Hello hello!
I was gifted a hot, frothy cappuccino from my very sweet husband this morning who also happened to wake up at 1:23AM to feed Joseph so that I could get a longer stretch of sleep. Woweeee, now I’m on cloud 9! Caffeine! 3-hours of sleep! What a time to be alive. I don’t want to say “thank you” or that he “helped me” because Joseph is as much his child and his responsibility as mine. I will instead say that I’m grateful to have married someone who is a true partner in every sense of the word, and who shows up for our family every single day and night. I love him! And I’m zipped up on some combination of energy and adrenaline! Hence all the exclamation marks!!!
Today I wanted to share some thoughts and suggestions for planning a bris, although I’m not an expert (lol I literally did it once 12 days ago) in case some of you readers are in the same shoes. This advice also goes for a baby naming, or really any party you’re thinking about throwing. Here it goes…
Choose a space that’s special to you, and that has good energy. For both of our kids, we chose to host these events at synagogues, which felt meaningful for us. Even though we are not the most religiously observant family, I like the idea of marking life events at a temple. Because we followed the Jewish custom of not buying/planning things before the baby was born, it was a little complicated to really think about where we would host a bris/naming. We didn’t concretely decide anything or tour venues, but we did make a mental list of the local synagogues. When Reva was born, we were not yet integrated in the community where we lived, so we hosted her baby naming at the synagogue that I went to throughout my adolescence. So my advice is to make a mental (or physical) list of what spaces might work for your family so that when the baby is born, you’re not completely clueless. If you don’t belong to a shul, don’t be shy to reach out and ask about spaces for events. You could also host the event at home, or at another venue of your choosing! By the way, a funny story about my hospital neighbors (shared rooms) when Reva was born is that they were planning the menu for their son’s bris at 2AM. Like, quite literally deciding between veggie wontons or cheese wontons. Don’t be like them :) Instead…
Delegate, delegate, delegate. I asked my aunt to plan all of the food for the party, and then she volunteered to also plan the decor. You have to be prepared to let go of the reins and not try to be a control freak. I personally felt like it was not healthy for me to be worrying about whether we got plain cream cheese or garlic cream cheese so I did not try to micromanage, at all, whatsoever. My aunt contacted caterers, put together a menu, got a quote, and then at the very 11th hour, we briefly reviewed it together to make sure it looked good. I did not try to change minutia or small details, I just trusted that it would be good. I did not try to get ten quotes and compare them to find the cheapest option. So, choose someone who understands how you like to host and who has a rough idea of what your budget/preferences might be. We used Patis, kosher dairy catering, and I was really impressed with the food. It was beautiful and delicious, whether or not you keep kosher.
Ask for help, even if you’re uncomfortable doing so. I am notoriously bad about asking for help. I don’t know why but that’s my personality. And when it comes to the postpartum period, you need to be vocal about help. Whether that’s asking your sister-in-law to go to Target for you (thanks Michelle) or asking your brother to go pick up tablecloths for rent (thanks Eric) you really need some folks to help you out with the little things. As with any event, there always end up being some random things you didn’t think of, like coffee delivery or disposable tableware, so don’t be shy and ask your loved ones for some help. In case it helps anyone, we rented tablecloths (next day) from Brooklyn Party Rental and got all the disposable silverware at Amazing Savings. Don’t forget about shot glasses or serving spoons.
You probably need some wait staff. Depending on the type of catering you arrange, you’ll probably need 1-2 folks on hand to help set up food, clear plates, pour drinks, etc. I didn’t think that I needed this because our food was being delivered “ready to go in platters” but we absolutely needed help, and that’s with like five family members arriving extra early to set things up. You just need extra hands no matter what you think. You could order full-service catering that comes with wait staff, or you can ask your synagogue to help you coordinate like I did. They usually have an agency they use for Shabbat/events so this was very helpful. Also, it’s significantly more affordable to do it this way vs. full-service catering.
It can feel overwhelming. Brandon and I both come from big families and any event we host is usually on the larger side. So, we’re used to crowds, and we feel very lucky to have so much support and love around us. However, it’s definitely a different feeling when you’re inviting everyone to watch your 8-day old have elective surgery. I felt worried about Joseph and how he would manage the pain, but then I was also greeting friends and trying to make sure everyone was comfortable and having a nice morning. Having only experienced a baby naming in the past, which was comparatively a walk in the park, I would just say prepare to feel… a lot of feelings all at once :) And as the mother, especially if you are nursing, prepare to be on call to tend to you baby more so than not. That’s okay, just be ready.
Consider the religious observance of your Rabbi/Mohel: I don’t want to go into too much detail here, but do your research on the custom of “metzitzah b’peh” and figure out your own comfort level. There are different ways to fulfill this mitzvah, and different mohels take different approaches. I will share that the first mohel we spoke with (and did like) did this mitzvah in a way that we were ultimately not comfortable with and we ended up switching to a different one. It’s better not to switch (timing, cost, etc) so, again, do your research and ask your friends who have boys who they used.
Order outfits in advance. I felt okay ordering outfits because they were not exclusively “for the bris” despite our hesitations about planning anything ahead of time. I didn’t know what size I would be, so I ordered up in three different sizes, and I ordered tons of options to try on. For five or so days, my credit cards were… something else. A few wardrobe thoughts that I didn’t immediately realize were around clothing and shoes. Don’t plan on heels because you’ll be carrying the baby quite a bit, and your core/balance is still not back to normal. If you insist on heels, get a very small kitten heel. It’s really not worth the risk. And also, make sure that you consider breastfeeding and how it can be possible in your outfit. Originally I was searching for dresses, and then I remembered that I would need boob access with ease, so I switched gears to a v-neck blouse and a skirt with flats. It was super easy to feed Joseph and I didn’t have to strip down to my tights to do so. If you are getting a dress, make sure it’s a v-neck and that the fabric won’t be immediately ruined or clearly stained if some milk gets on it. No thin satin, please.
Consider your older child(ren) and who will watch them during the event. I totally did not expect how aware Reva would be. In hindsight, this seems obvious, but I was only worried about Joseph and his procedure until the day of. Reva oscillated between pride and joy, jealousy and nervousness. She kept asking me when “the show was starting” (😂) and was pretty clingy throughout the event. Totally normal and expected, but prepare and plan for it. I was very lucky to have ample people around to entertain and occupy her, but ultimately, I held her during “the show.” I would also plan in advance what you will say when they ask you what is going on up there. I tried to tell her they were changing his diaper and then she immediately asked me why they were cutting it. We were far away from the bima so I don’t know how she saw or knew this, but she knew something was up. I don’t remember exactly what I said after that, but in the future I would have prepared a clearer and more honest statement. Sorry Reevs, I’ll be more ready in the future!
In the end, after a very long nap, it felt completely worth it. This one is purely my own unsolicited opinion, but despite the challenges of planning a party the first week postpartum, I feel incredibly happy to have done this for our son. I feel proud and inspired and connected to my Jewish culture in a way that I may not have otherwise, so all in all, totally worth it. Hopefully one day, he can do the same for his children and I can be there to celebrate with him. A major, ginormous thanks to both of our families for all of the endless help and support ❤️
As always, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to comment with your thoughts or questions, or suggestions for other readers.
Caffeinated hugs,
Jane