Good morning angels.
It was a beautiful weekend because I didn’t open my computer even once. I spent all weekend surrounded by family and friends, fairly immersed in the story of Passover and in copious amounts of matzah and wine. For those of you that don’t know, Passover is the story of how God helped the Jews escape from slavery in Egypt. As most epic tales go, the odds were stacked against us, but with a little help from a parted Red Sea and 40 years of determination, we finally made it out of slavery and into our homeland, Israel.
Passover is a story with many narrative arcs, but the one I find easiest to connect to is about freedom. A question often posed is: “What keeps you from being free?” When we really mull on it, plenty of thoughts keep us bound up and in chains. Decisions we make, ideas we believe, stories that scare us. Despite our modern day political, religious and personal freedom, we still struggle.
Below are a few mental cycles that have kept me enslaved, and that I still work through regularly. I hope my sharing and analysis of them will inspire you to think through what you carry too.
Caring about what people think.
The older I get and the more I learn about successful and happy people, the more I realize that caring what other people think about you is a waste of time. I know this might seem like an obvious one, but for me, really framing it as a perspective that was enslaving my mind changed the direction of the train tracks. Growing up, I deeply considered what people thought about seemingly small things, like how I dressed, and really big things, like what I did for a living.
When I was a teenager, if I was making a decision, I would literally poll 15 friends to ask for their opinion. I would try on a pair of shoes that I loved, but that were “funky” or “quirky” and leave them on the rack, and then go buy the most basic sneaker that everyone else in my class was wearing so that I could fit in. Nothing wrong with a basic sneaker, but it wasn’t me and I knew that. I wanted so desperately to fit in in high school. It’s funny because nowadays if I spend money on shoes or a bag, I want them to be different. I don’t want the same bracelet that every girl in my social circle has, not because the bracelet isn’t beautiful, but because self-expression through fashion is important to me, and part of that is seeking out unique pieces. I have learned that with time.
I have also learned that quite literally no one cares about what you do more than you do. And again, I know that it sounds obvious, but framed as an idea that literally enslaved my mental state, I took it more seriously. I was talking with my brother-in-law this weekend about creative pursuits and admitted that just a few years ago, I felt embarrassment towards all of the different hobbies I had started but never finished. I had a frozen pizza business that flopped. I wrote a lifestyle blog. I started a food blog. I made 7 episodes of a podcast about motherhood. I have experimented with so many business ideas that didn’t go anywhere. For years I considered all of these experiments failures because they hadn’t achieved traditional definitions of success, which mostly meant that they were unable to provide lucrative streams of revenue. I was scared to start anything because I was afraid of failing but more acutely, I was afraid of being thought of as a failure. When I freed myself from the idea that my creativity has to “take off” or “succeed,” I was free. I was free to do what I wanted, like write this article in my newsletter. I’ve flipped my perspective to believe that starting something, simply for the sake of starting it, and enjoying it and trying it, despite what anyone will think of you, is one of life’s most beautiful gifts.
Living On The Hamster Wheel
Another idea that enslaves me is the “never having enough” mentality, and it is something that I try to work on constantly. I have spoken with many friends about this, and especially in NYC, we all seem plagued by the desire for more, more, more. Perfect example: I recently got a pay bump in my new role. For a few days I was happy and proud of myself. felt accomplished! I did it! And then, a week later, I caught myself thinking of the next title that might come on my LinkedIn stack, and the next pay bump. Oops, I noticed. How quickly I took for granted what I had spent years working towards. How quickly the joy was replaced by greed.
This type of enslavement prevents me from enjoying my life in the moment, and also leads to the “when this happens, I’ll be happy” mentality that so many people are enslaved to. When I get a promotion, I’ll be happy. When I look better, I’ll be happy. When my kids are older, I’ll be happy. When I can afford to go on this vacation, I’ll be happy.
My God, doesn’t that feel heavy? Constantly having your arms tied behind your back by the future? I know that it’s not easy, and like I said, I’m guilty of this mentality too, but I really try to unshackle myself by stopping these thoughts in their tracks and just…. well… being happy int he moment.
Usually I just stop and smile. I try to bask in gratitude, no matter how forced it feels (it often feels forced.) This helps. I marinate in a few people or situations that I’m grateful for. My child, my husband, my house, my morning walks near the park, whatever. This small recalibration does help me jump out from the hamster wheel and get back on track. And that track is enjoying life, just as it is, today.
Sweating The Small Stuff
Most of you that know me in real life would likely describe me as calm, I hope? I was not always calm. In fact, I would say teenage/college me was frantic. I was absolutely haywire to get all of life served to me on a silver platter, right now please. I wanted to control everything and everyone. I was impatient and I was constantly in a tizzy about every little thing. I really did not give my brain a mental break from worrying about well, anything.
I would sweat who I would marry and what my career would end up being and where I would live. I would also sweat about whether a random boy in class thought I was beautiful, about if people at work thought I was smart, and on and on. If a stranger was rude to me, I would ruminate on their intentions for hours. If I made a mistake that would cause me to look imperfect, I would apologize to my boss or professor a million times. If I wore a bikini and had rolls showing when I sat down, I would (uncomfortably) stand for hours to avoid that happening again. I would sweat any interaction that would or could threaten to make me look imperfect. I would constantly try to prove myself.
And yes, I do believe that proving yourself is in some ways an important part of life. But what I didn’t understand is that it is way more important to prove yourself to yourself than to people around you. And when I really think about that, I recognize what that means. For me, there were many times in my life when my inner goals looked different than the goals of my parents or my community or my friends. For someone, their goal might be to find a job and make a lot of money. For someone else, their goal might be to find a job that allows them to help people. When you sacrifice your own goal to prove yourself to someone else, you usually don’t end up particularly satisfied. It’s like being on a train to your dream destination, except you end up somewhere totally random. Sure, Bali is beautiful… but when you were trying to get to Paris, no amount of coconuts on the beach will do the job. So, accepting that I am imperfect, that I cannot control most things around me, and that most important path to be on is my own path has helped free me from enslaving thoughts tremendously.
What about you? Feel free to email me back or just reply in the comments. I’d love to hear from you, dear reader.
Anyways, that’s what I’m thinking about this morning. Now it’s time to go wake up my daughter, make her lunch, read her a book, and zip to work. Monday mornings! Here we go….
Hugs,
Jane