It’s been one of those weeks. You know the ones, where nothing seems to go your way. Little nothings spark squabbles, lining up like a train of dominoes on a crooked hardwood floor. Minor annoyances seemed to irritate me the way that a hair floating between my dress and my back does. I try to grab it, but it’s just out of reach. Sometimes these annoyances are evanescent and other times, they layer. They stack themselves up, building and building and building until boom. A collapse. I yell at my husband for forgetting to put his water glass away before it leaves a wet mark on the overpriced, concrete, dinner table in our home.
At 5PM, I go and pick up my daughter from summer camp, and for a few hours, all is right in the world. She smiles ecstatically, she runs into my arms. She tells me about her day in what I would describe as toddler talk, which is a marvelously cute combination of real adult words and nonsensical nouns that slip through the cracks of every sentence. It sounds something like:“Mommy, crayon and water and Morah Gloria and I do go to park, I do!” which roughly translates to “Mommy we drew with crayons and played with water at school. Let’s go to the park now!”
Adorable, isn’t it?
In these everyday moments, my heart swells with pride and joy. I made this human being and here she is, telling me about her day, hugging me, loving me. All of my worries and frustrations and concerns fall to the wayside and I’m encompassed by her essence. I forget about my morning meeting that didn’t go as planned. I forget about my imposter syndrome. I forget about my brother’s cancer diagnosis and I forget about how I’m supposed to visit my grandmother in her rehabilitation center and have yet to “make” the time. I forget that I need to exercise more often and that the bedroom corners desperately a dusting.
I find myself in the moment, free of all of the quotidian obligations, and I am happy. Not only content, but also happy, a feeling that is often incorrectly described as what should be our default.
As I think more on it, I realize that this specific happiness takes on a different texture because it is unconditional. My daughter is happy to see me because I am me and because she loves me, and maybe because she is two. She does not need anything more. I am happy to see her because she is my daughter and because I love her, unconditionally. I do not need anything more of her. The materialism, the consumerism, the desire for more and better and faster vanishes completely inside of our relationship. She does not care if I am a bus driver or a CEO. She does not care if I wear a cute outfit or if I have enough money to buy her expensive presents. At least for now, she doesn’t care about what labels the world has already slapped across my wrist. To her, I am, and always will be, her mama.
Is there any other love like this? I am blessed ten times over to know parental love, to know romantic love, to know the love of a sibling, of a best friend and while they are powerful, they don’t compare to this elation. With each and every one of these relationships come terms, whether we want to admit it or not. With our parents, society immediately sets expectations for what they ought to do. Some are simple, like the expectation that they provide shelter. Others more complicated, like that they should teach us how to be ourselves, how to love our bodies, how to respect other people. With our partner, maybe the conditions are to remain faithful, or to have a specific job, or to water the plants every week. And with our friends, showing up, over and over and over again is one of the expectations. And we may strive to love everyone in our life unconditionally, but it certainly doesn’t come naturally. How could it?
But with our children, whether or not the expectations we create are met, the default setting is unconditional, from the moment they enter this world until the moment we leave it.
Of course, with such love comes great stakes. If I let my mind linger for a second too long, the fear will creep in. The neurotic voice of what if. The ice cold, nauseating feeling that something or someone or no one or God could take away the most pure joy I have ever known. But I silence it quickly, focusing on the bliss of today. Shooing away the bad juju and smothering it with the sunshine that is my daughter’s smile. Grateful for this moment, grateful for this life.
Here are some things I’ve loved this week:
These are the most comfortable pants I have ever worn, and they are cute too. I seriously couldn’t believe how they felt like pajamas but looked like chic culottes.
I’ve been getting many a headache from being a screen zombie and these blue light glasses are helping. Also, I feel like my IQ rises 10 points just for wearing them…right?
I just finished Here All Along, and I highly recommend it if you’re kinda/sorta/maybe into Judaism but don’t have any idea what or why things are done. I am in the same boat and devoured the book quickly.
My best friend’s trip to Cornwall has given me serious wanderlust. I need Europe. NOW!
Also, Oaxaca would be nice. In the meantime, these gorgeous tumblers with a margarita might do the trick.
These videos make me miss the glorious LA sunshine, and also make me want an air fryer, although I most definitely do not have the space for an air fryer.
By the way, these soap scrubs smell good, are affordable, and make me feel squeaky clean. We regularly stock them in our bathroom. I also love their mission: “Every purchase supports radically transparent and ethical sourcing, clean water initiatives, hygiene education and small business opportunities worldwide. Together, we can Raise the Bar.”
If you’re done binging Lupin, may I suggest rewatching the G.O.A.T: The Sopranos? We’re on Season 2 and oh my good lord these characters are so deep.
I finally bought Reva a big girl comforter *sobs* and landed on this one from Maisonette, which is big enough to fit in a crib and a toddler bed. I love the sweet Swan design too.
Yellow wax beans are in season so make this recipe from Jon & Vinny’s.
Have a wonderful weekend 💓 Thanks for reading. As always, if you loved my writing, please subscribe + share
Sending big hugs your way,
Jane