Shalom to all!
Before I dive into this article, let me just say that I am at my local coffee shop, typing away with a hot cappuccino in hand. I repeat, my coffee is still hot! Reva is in school, Joseph is asleep in the stroller, and there is a couple of Italian restauranteurs next to me talking about Italian food, in Italian. Ravioli, burrata, tartufi, amatriciana. My eyes aren’t actually closed because if they were I would fall asleep BUT they kind of are and I can just taste the Northern Italian food from my honeymoon. I can almost see the snow-capped tips of the Dolomite mountains if I try. And I can only understand a handful of words but I hear them name drop a few places in the West Village that I adore. Wow, I feel alive! To be in this amazing city, to be able to hear one of my favorite languages spoken, to be alive, and to feel slightly awake after a 3.5 hour stretch of sleep last night. Life is good :)
The topic at hand today is a hot one: the transition from 1 to 2 children and how it’s been for us four weeks in. Listen up, folks. Here goes our story of coming home to Reva with Joseph, and what the last four weeks have looked like.
While we were at the hospital, Reva stayed with our families for a few days and then we arranged a private introduction for the two kids. She was very well cared for but definitely nervous and anxious and kept asking us when she could come home. It was clear that she understood (at 3.5 years old) that big things were happening. We arrived home from the hospital around 2PM and of course I immediately burst into tears at the chaos. All of the stuff and the stroller and the car seat and the changing table that needed organizing and hormones! The early days are so very much. Too much. Then I got a very big hug from my very sweet husband and he told me not to worry. “We’ll do this together like we do everything.” 😭😭😭 I will never forget those words. We closed our eyes for a few minutes, took some deep breaths and prepared for Reva to come home that evening. We also ordered an insane amount of sushi because if that’s not a classic postpartum moment idk what is.
Reva was with Brandon’s mom, so we asked for her to be dropped off at the house and for some time alone. Brandon went to collect Reva outside and brought her into the house. I didn’t hold the baby but instead put him in the bassinet because I read it was helpful to have open arms to hug your toddler/ welcome them home. A good piece of instagram advice as she ran into my arms right away and then immediately began her search for the baby, who was nearby in his bassinet.
We didn’t actually take photos of the real first meeting because I wanted to privately enjoy it without a device, but we did take photos the next day. Reva was SO excited to meet her little brother, she was dying to hold him and she was very excited when he gave her an over-the-top gift of heels and jewelry. She tried on the heels and clicked around for a few minutes then she waltzed around a little. She thanked Joseph and kissed him a bunch of times. My heart was certainly melting. After about ten minutes, she was back in her room playing with her toys and then Brandon’s mom and brother came over to help us set some stuff up.
After the meeting, Reva seemed exhausted and went to bed willingly after a quick bath. The next morning she woke up with what seemed like a stomach bug. Cranky, nauseas, tired, and a little green. We honestly felt like the stress of change had caused her to get sick. We’ve all been there, right? After a big exam or days of anticipation, the immune system weakens and bam, we’re told to stop. Rest, recuperate. That’s what Reva’s body must have been telling her.
Getting up in the morning the first time with two kids was something else entirely. I felt like a zombie who’d just been run through the dryer. I was in and out of consciousness because I kept falling asleep and was basically lucid dreaming? It was hard. Joseph was cluster feeding so that my milk would come in and I was up every hour of the night. Reva burst into our room at 6:40AM and then what I can only describe as a cacophony of sound began. Some combination of postnatal hormones and an angsty toddler plus sleep deprivation plus our own adjustment as parents was a real start to the day. Within minutes there was clapping, banging, singing, knocking, twirling, climbing, and an overwhelming amount of noise and movement. She needed to make noise and she needed us to listen right now! I really wanted sleep and quiet but that was not going to happen.
And then she proceeded to run to the bathroom to throw up every single grain of rice she had eaten the night before. My poor baby.
“Oh my God, what did I get myself into….” I immediately started crying again. Just a few hours earlier we were telling Reva to kiss her brother and hold him and now she was sick and we were paranoid that she was clobbering him with her daycare germs. Ack!!! What to do, what to do… We immediately packed up our kids and our car and headed out to greener suburban pastures. We drove to my in-laws house on Long Island where we could separate the kids and have extra help and entertainment for Reva. And that was an unexpectedly great decision.
While it felt important for us to have the initial meeting be private, it was wonderful to have a few days of all-hands-on-deck after that to play with Reva and give her all of the attention that Brandon and I were not able to give her. I was feeding Joseph non-stop and ordering pads and diapers and tending to my wounds (haha) and Brandon was helping organize stuff for our apartment. Not to mention the bris that we were planning. It was an unplanned miracle to have aunts and uncles and grandparents nearby to keep big sister fed, happy, and cared for.
Even with all of that help, I wondered if I needed reverse hearing aids. My daughter was suddenly SO LOUD. Was it me? Was it her? Was I going crazy? Eventually I learned that this was her way of making herself known! She was staking out her ground and adjusting to her place in this whole new world of a family that doesn’t just consist of her and her parents.
Before Joseph arrived, I didn’t read many books on transitioning from one to two kids, but I did see some content on social media about things to do and not do and one tip that I found very poignant was about positioning things in a positive vs. negative framing. So for example, your toddler asks you to play but you’re feeding the baby. Don’t say “I can’t play right now, I’m feeding the baby” because that can make your little kid feel left out. Instead say: “I’d love to play with you in X minutes. Let me finish feeding the baby and I’m all yours!” Rather than say “Don’t stomp around the apartment, you’re going to wake up your little brother!!!” I would say “Can you show me how you step softly? You’re so good at walking softly on your tip toes.” For starters, this creates a more kind and gentle energy and environment in our house and it also doesn’t make her feel like every single thing she does is bad/wrong/loud/unacceptable.
This small mental tweak sort of set the framework for me in regards to how I began to speak to Reva about Joseph overall, especially when she was being extra needy. I tried as much as possible to model patience and to delicately balance Joseph’s needs with hers by framing things in positive ways. However, it certainly has not been easy and I’ve lost my patience a handful of times. Like yesterday when she barged into his room, jumped on the bed, and woke him up from a nap. Yikes, that was not pretty. I semi-lectured her about being considerate and kind of others, not only her brother. It seemed to resonate and eventually she apologized. Lesson learned? At least for a few hours.
Over the last few weeks, it’s been getting better and better and more manageable than those first days. The noise level has somewhat balanced out because Reva calmed down and because my hormones are balancing out, I think? More than anything, the hardest part about transitioning from one to two kids has been leaning into our patience and ability to adapt. We have needed to change our mindset from one of expectation (she should know this!) to one of teaching (how can I kindly show her what needs to be done?) and that has been a steep learning curve.
And now for the good part: It has been such an incredible blessing to grow our family and to watch Reva be a big sister. For us, this 3.5 year age difference is really wonderful because she is able to understand that now she is a big sister. She has been regularly helping me and is constantly bringing me things I need (paci, water, anything) and she beams with pride when people talk to her about Joseph. I also feel like I really got to enjoy every phase with her as a newborn, baby, toddler, and now a little kid! Alongside us, she is learning to share and to be considerate of her little brother, and she has also spent some time practicing being a mommy herself. See for yourself :)
I have so enjoyed when she curls up next to me and Joseph and strokes my arm or his tummy, it has brought me to tears. I guess maybe me crying should be the theme of this article? :) Honestly, it’s such a beautiful thing to witness.
I have also noticed that what is really different now is that the relationship for me as a mother has gone from singular to plural. It seems obvious but before, my motherhood was a direct tunnel from me to Reva, a flashlight pointed in her direction. And now, if I had to describe it poetically, I would say it’s a larger swath of light, not unlike the morning sun, encompassing Reva and Joseph. My motherhood feels like an umbrella that houses our family unit and my children vs. my child and I’m still processing how different that feels. How unusual it is to think about two children under my (our) wings and to dream about what the next few years raising them will like like. And also to not dream and just enjoy this moment for what it is: a reality that was once a fantasy, that I spent most of my life thinking about. This was always the goal. This was always the prize. It is here and I am doing my best to be present and to appreciate it.
I’m going to write some more thoughts on practical tips for transitioning from one to two in a separate article so stay tuned for that. Feel free to ask specific questions (I can answer some in the article) or post comments about your own experience below. Thank you for reading!
Extra tight hugs,
Jane